Upset at the moment

As some of u know, I always give some money to the charity.

As I was clearing my desk, saw the NKF bottle of Bel Air. Without giving any thoughts, I went and sms a friend whether it's possible to sell that bottle.

At first, some weeks b4 some stupid thoughts entered my mind, I was thinking of giving it away as I always used to.

Then I saw the bottle still there on the desk, I thought of the past. Some years back, I was trying to help a friend earn some sales for Bel Air, she asked me to come down and buy something from Bel Air. Was pressurized by Bel Air pple to part with my $100 for NKF Children's Charity. If I did that, I would be helping my friend earn some sales points and that NKF Children's Charity.

At first, I thought wow $100 all go to the charity, I didnt want to do that, after all, it was my parents' money. And I was bias against NKF which stored a lot of money reserves.

I usually part with a few dollars (up to $10) for charity. But I was already at the Bel Air showroom and there were Bel Air people looking at me.

So.. I parted with $100 for the charity, noble eh... I m no angel but I did that anyway. I told myself it was for the charity but on that night, I was feeling unhappy with what I did although I knew I would be doing a good deed.

Fast forward to now. Triggered by the unhappy memories of the past, I subconsciously sms my friend to... get back a bit of money to justify the loss I have incurred the last time.

Then we had some sms talk and I read his smses. His replies hit me so that it struck me that I was self-centred, materialistic and selfish. I was even shocked by what I was doing. That I was trying to sell that charitable bottle for a bit of money.

Actually my self-esteem was low for the past few months coz I was no longer working. I wanted to earn some money for myself, not to get money from my parents. In fact, I had a burning desire to be financially independent without feeling guilty on spending my parents' hard earned money.

Ya... still I was upset by what I did... anyway must thank my friend... it was really a humbling experience despite that i refused to admit that i was wrong in the first place. yah and embarrassing too coz he's buying some t-shirts from me for the deaf kids over there in vietnam.

it's hard to accept negative comments about myself especially from family and friends although i know it's for my own good. just a few days ago, it also struck me that i really forgot to discuss volunteer projects with my vice-chairmen. at first i refused to listen to anyone especially those who gave useful suggestions (yah i was wrong), i was in self-denial. but somehow after having some time alone to myself, i thought what they had said. i realised they were trying to help me.

dunno what got into myself these days..... maybe i was too caught up with what i had to do so much that i thought it would make my work easier if i work alone as i always used to do.

hmm wthout those dear friends, i wouldnt realise what kind of person i was.

Thank you, Lily, Abby, Kenny and the others who tried to give me advice as possible. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Hey, u must tell me if I did anything wrong, okie.. :)

*Learning about myself, striving to improve myself everyday no matter how hard or painful it is *